Do you like free money? Do you like to be the center of attention in your office? Are you someone that wants to prove they are wiser and smarter than all of their peers?

Then read on.

What you’ll find after the jump are the most accurate Oscar picks you’ll find this side of the internet.  As someone who has been banned from Oscar pools among friends, family, and co-workers, I have proven time and time again that I cannot be beat. No one allows me in their pool simply because they know. I’m like the Lakers challenging the Special Olympics Under 12 Basketball team to a game. Outcome – inevitable.

With all of this, I still possess the quality of humility. Today you possess the knowledge of the future. Monday you’ll possess the money of all of your friends.

You’re welcome.

BEST PICTURE

“The Hurt Locker” - This was the toughest pick of all. My heart says Inglorious Basterds. My brain says Avatar. But at the end of the day, the Academy will choose the little film that could. Avatar is getting all of their glory at the box office. And the Academy does not want to sit through another “I’m the King of the World” speech.

BEST DIRECTOR

Kathryn Bigelow (“The Hurt Locker”) - America got our first black biracial President. The Academy will get their first female Best Director. Cameron is the closest competition, but she deserves it. Avatar was a beast of a film. But that beast took many, many people to bring it together. The Hurt Locker was Bigelow’s baby. She birthed it, nursed it, and watched it grow into a handsome young thing. The Academy will get this one right.

BEST ACTOR

Jeff Bridges (“Crazy Heart”) - Because he’s Jeff Bridges and he’s never won the Oscar.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock (“The Blind Side”) - I hate this. I feel dirty. She was OK in this dreadful film. Great for Sandra Bullock, OK for most actresses. For some reason there is a newfound obsession with her. Her only contender is Meryl Streep who has been won or nominated so many times, she doesn’t care if she wins or loses. I hate that The Blind Side will get this recognition. Hate it. But it’s going to happen.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christoph Waltz (“Inglourious Basterds”) - As usual, Tarantino brings someone out of no where and makes them a superstar. If we could see the Academy votes, I’d be surprised if Waltz had lower than 95% of the votes. He was that good. He’s winning every award possible. He’s a lock.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Mo’Nique (“Precious”) - Just like Waltz, she’s winning everything. She’s another lock. She’s also a lock to have the legs of Robin Williams.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner (“Up in the Air”) - A great little character piece perfectly crafted for Clooney.At the end of the day, this film needs to win SOMETHING. This will be it.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Quentin Tarantino (Inglorious Basterds) - This will be a CLOSE race between my man QT and Mark Boal (The Hurt Locker). My man will win. And the world will be better for it. More love = more brilliant movies.

BEST ANIMATED FILM

“Up” (Disney) - It was nominated for Best Picture. The first and only animated film to achieve this. Do you really think it can lose? I absolutely loved The Fantastic Mr. Fox, but Up ain’t losing.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FILM

“The Cove” (Roadside Attractions)  - Hollywood is notorious for hating Dolphins. This is their sympathy pick for being such out of touch d-bags. Like when Halle Berry won an Oscar.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

“The White Ribbon” (Germany) - With Inglorious Basterds getting so much love, the Academy will feel like they need to acknowledge Germany as a civilized country. Why not pick the German one?

BEST ART DIRECTION

“Avatar” (Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair) - Yep.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

“Avatar” (Mauro Fiore) - This was a tough one. VERY tough one. Every nominee is well deserving of this. But the scope and scale of Avatar was simply too big of a canvas to dismiss.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

“Coco Before Chanel” - Oh man. If I lose one, this will be it. I mean, cmon. What a ridiculous category. We’re comparing Victorian era costumes vs. ones worn in Nine? Who cares. That being said, Coco Before Chanel costumes were crucial to the story. Good luck with this one.

BEST FILM EDITING

“The Hurt Locker” (Bob Murawski, Chris Innis) – This movie was intense. That intensity rested entirely on the quick paced editing with the multiple cameras. If this doesn’t win, you can call me Shirley and kick me in the balls.

BEST MAKEUP

“Star Trek” (Barney Burman, Mindy Hall, Joel Harlow) - The Academy wants to pretend they are in touch with mainstream films. Giving Star Trek an Oscar will surely make them feel good. Expect a standing ovation for the makeup team.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

“Up” (Michael Giacchino) - I loves me some Giacchino. One of the most underrated composers in the game, Michael Giacchino has created some of the most diverse scores around (The Incredibles, Star Trek, Up, Lost, Space Mountain Theme Park ride at Disneyland…).  I’ll slap a small puppy if he loses.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

“The Weary Kind” (“Crazy Heart”) - The only song that isn’t attached to a giant block of CHEESE. Please let T-Bone walk on that stage with his always attached sunglasses.

BEST SOUND EDITING

“Avatar” (Christopher Boyes, Gwendolyn Yates Whittle) - Avatar is going to sweep all of these technical awards. It changed the game.

BEST SOUND MIXING

“Avatar” (Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson, Tony Johnson) - Same as above. Game changer. Pants changer.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

“Avatar” (Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham, Andrew R. Jones) - Do I really need to explain this one? Remember when you left Avatar and had to change your pants from all the visual excitement? There you go.

BEST SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

“A Matter of Loaf and Death” (Nick Park) - Just because.

BEST SHORT FILM (DOCUMENTARY)

“The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant” (Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert) - Very relevant. This will win.

BEST SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

“Miracle Fish” (Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey) - It’s not a miracle when you pocket the Oscar pool cash.

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