For what its worth, check out the Oscar Nominees HERE. We now live in a world where the phrase “Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill” is a reality.

Here are FIVE reasons this slew of nominations is ridiculously disappointing.

1. SHAME on the Academy for being such prudes. I get it, it’s not easy to watch a chronic masturbator/sex addict live his life. But man, Michael Fassbender hairy palms hands down had the best performance of the year in this film. George Clooney doesn’t even come close to this painful performance.  NC-17 + sex is too much for the prudes to handle. Grow up, Academy. Oh wait, you’re all over 80 years old.

2. I wasn’t expecting DRIVE to get a Best Picture nomination (even though it deserved it), but no Albert Brooks nom for Best Supporting Actor?!  In one of his greatest performances to date, Albert Brooks has to live with the fact that Jonah Hill will be getting fitted for a tux very shortly.

3. I refuse to see EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE. Who wants to watch something so obviously manipulative?!  Rotten Tomatoes currently has it at 51% — which means it’s not very good. And it was nominated for BEST PICTURE?!  How did this happen? What type of underground campaigning was going on? Things that make you go, hmmm.

4. While THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN wasn’t perfect, there is no denying the quality of animation there.  Even with a flat script, there were many jaw dropping scenes that stood above the pack of animated fare in 2011. Apparently, the Academy thinks Kung Fu Panda 2 is a more worthy animated film. *Shaking my head in disbelief*

5.  In an effort to seem hip and celebrate mainstream films, BRIDESMAIDS received two nominations (Supporting Actress & Original Screenplay). While the movie was funny, it has no place on Oscar night.  This nomination feels more like the Golden Globes.

With all that being said, I’m really happy that The Tree of Life got it’s fair shake. It was a divisive film, but a film that had more brains than most of the nominees combined. And to justify my watching the awards, one of my favorite films of 2011 has the most nominations (HUGO). If you want to feel warm and fuzzy inside, check it out.

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#6  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

“I have no idea what I just saw, but it looks AMAZING!” – My thoughts after watching this trailer for the 5th time in a row.

“WTF? Really? That’s what all the hype was about?!” – My thoughts after the disappointment of the actual film.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo — another example of great marketing; sub-par product. Fantastic cover by Trent Reznor/Karen O of “Immigrant Song” (Listen to it here). The use of quick edits to showcase David Fincher’s stylized directing is superb. The trailer is intriguing and gives nothing away. I loved it. Just didn’t love the movie.

#5  Drive

One of the best things about this trailer is that it hides NOTHING. What you see here is what you get (minus a few smashed heads). It’s intense. It’s gritty. It’s all kinds of awesome. And unlike most trailers, this is the actual music from the film (I highly recommend checking out the soundtrack…Spotify – hint hint). It sets the mood perfectly. My only complaint is that it gives almost too much of the story here.

#4  Shame

If you think this trailer makes you feel a bit uneasy, wait til you see the film. Michael Fassbender should win an Oscar for his portrayal as a sex addict. Unfortunately, the Academy is a bunch of prudes. The trailer encompasses the claustrophobic feeling of Fassbender’s lack of self control in a very subtle way.  You hear the heavy breathing (he’s running, it’s not what you’re thinking), the sweeping music, and the visuals of sexual deviance. This trailer intrigues while not overplaying it’s hand.  Additionally, they came out with another brilliant trailer that speaks for itself. Carey Mulligan’s rendition of “New York, New York” is one of the most depressing versions…ever

#3  Like Crazy

This trailer broke my heart. And that might subconsciously be why I still haven’t seen the movie. With mixed reviews, I was afraid it would ruin the emotion that these two minutes brings to the table. How often do you worry about a movie ruining the marketing? From Ingrid Michaelson’s haunting cover of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” to the soft, almost dreamlike visuals – this trailer is a great example of how a song choice can perfectly set the mood in film marketing. From these two minutes, you know there is love, there is heartbreak, and it’s safe to guess things won’t end up well. I need to see this.

#2  Super 8

This was a perfect trailer. It set up the backstory perfectly, teased the twist of the plot, yet told you absolutely nothing. All while warming your heart to a Speilberg-esque looking film. It had just the right touch of nostalgia for adults and intrigue for kids. If only the 2nd half of the movie wasn’t such a literal and figurative trainwreck. Once the train crashed and wreckage was explored, the movie turned silly. So close, yet so far. Super 8 trailer is how you invoke the emotions of past films loved while showing something new. As an example of what strings they were tugging on, check Spielberg’s E.T. and Close Encounters of the Third Kind trailers. All three are essentially the same trailer. Kids, intrigue, mean adults, caring adults, wide eyes, the military…you’ll see.

#1:  The Tree of Life

The Tree of Life was one of the most polarizing movies in quite some time.  Many people absolutely loved it, naming it one of the best of the year. Others, absolutely hated it.  Some were in awe of the spiritual and philosophical aspects of the script. Others viewed it as a pretentious mess. Love or hate this film, there is no denying the intrigue of this trailer. Life and humanity is flashed before your eyes in a quick 2 minutes.  There is much mystery to what the film is actually about, yet the small tidbits are enticing enough to want more.  The music haunts, comforts, and whisks you away. This is just a beautiful trailer and stands alone as a piece of art.

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When I was roughly 10 years old, The Goonies and The Ghoulies films were huge movies in their own way. The Goonies was beloved by kids everywhere, Ghoulies was notoriously bad. On my 10th birthday party, I begged and pleaded with my parents to rent The Goonies to watch with everyone. It was my favorite movie by a mile — what 10-year-old DIDN’T love Sloth?! My Grandpa innocently volunteered to pick up the rental on his way to the family party. Games, food, happy birthday song, and presents were complete — now was the time for the movie. They pop in the VHS cassette tape, and well, here is a scene from the movie that was rented.

I guess “Goonies” and “Ghoulies” can easily be mixed up. I can’t blame my Grandpa for this. But I was shaken to the core. This wasn’t The Goonies, this was my worst nightmare realized. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen as I slowly became traumatized. To this day, I’m still hesitant to blindly sit down at the toilet.  You never freakin’ know. Inspired by Super 8 and my Goonies/Ghoulies experience, I’ve compiled a list of the  Top 5 most disturbing scenes in kids movies. They are the kind of scenes that would make a kid unknowingly uncomfortable and have a parent confused on whether to fast forward the movie or stop it all together. After the jump, realize your childhood nightmares all over again.  Spoilers abound…

Follow That Bird (1985)

Watching this in the theater is still entrenched in my mind. My friend Jim’s birthday party was to take everyone to the movies. He was the only friend left that wasn’t allowed to see anything but G-rated movies at 8 years old,  which is probably why he’s an axe murderer right now. All of us were a bit embarrassed to be going to a Sesame Street movie, but we piled into the station wagon regardless. The movie was awful. What were we doing watching a Sesame Street movie? That’s for little kids. But there was a scene that probably made Jim’s parents second guess themselves and their househould Nazi regime. Here’s the set up: Big Bird is taken away by a social worker, which really messes with Big Bird’s giant head. He runs away and eventually gets captured and turned into a prostitute carnival worker. He’s painted blue and forced to perform. Below is his performance. This is the saddest thing you’ll ever see from Sesame Street. Please do not let your kids watch this — they will fall into a funk of deep depression. You’ve been warned.

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

I need to get this one out of the way quick. It brings up too many difficult memories. They had the balls to kill off the most beloved, heroic, and indestructible animated character that ever, er,  lived: Optimus Prime.  Much like the Challenger explosion or Bin Laden’s death, everyone knows where they were when Optimus died.

The Lion King (1994)

It’s called the Circle of Life. But do we really have to learn about it in a kid friendly movie?  Murder, death, loss of innocence — welcome to the world kids!

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

Random note – Back in ’88, a family friend wanted to take me to the movies. Which movie do you want to see, she asked, Beetle Juice or Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I chose Roger Rabbit, but how often are their such unique and wonderful choices in front of you? I loved the late 80′s flicks.

That being said, here is what my choice brought me. Nightmares for years.

The Neverending Story (1984)

Watching this clip is no different than listening to a breakup song over and over while holding a picture of the girl who dumped you. It’s that devastating. It’s that tragic. I do not recommend revisiting this scene. Don’t do it. A kids movie has the “Swamps of Sadness” – enough said. No, I’m not crying. My eyes are just itchy. Leave me alone!

Bonus:

The Fox and the Hound (1981)

Remember that time your Mom burst into your room all excited. “Who wants to get ice cream?!” You let out a squeal, put on your KEDs, and run out the door. Yipee! Ice Cream!

“You can get two scoops if you want,” your wonderful Mom exclaims.

“Yipee!”

As you grab the cone and take your first lick, you look for Mom’s approval. But she’s nowhere to be found. She’s left the building. She’s driving away. You are alone. Forever.  Welcome to The Fox and the Hound movie.

Honorable Mention: Bambi’s Mom getting shot, Pee Wee Herman operation by evil clowns, Willy Wonka tunnel, and Old Yeller getting shot.

Good times for the little ones. Good times indeed.

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That being said, there are actually some potentially great ones that I’m looking forward to. With so many big name brand films, it’s tough to decipher what’s going to be good, what’s going to be bad, and when everything is coming out. The marketing has been shoved down our throats since the Super Bowl and it’s not letting up soon.

In no particular order…

Super 8

It’s a JJ Abrams love letter tribute to Spielberg — a throwback to my favorite childhood movies. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am for this one. Kids making movies, monsters, family struggles, childhood crushes, explosions…it has it all. The marketing of this film has been perfect so far. Reveal just enough to excite everyone, but you really don’t know what it’s all about.

Synopsis: After witnessing a mysterious train crash, a group of friends in the summer of 1979 begin noticing strange happenings going around in their small town, and begin to investigate into the strange phenomenon.

Release Date: June 10th, 2011

The Tree of Life

The brilliant Terrance Malick has only made 5 films starting with 1973′s Badlands all the way to The Tree of Life. The elusive Austin, TX resident will step into the spotlight once more with this Brad Pitt/Sean Penn film that is about, well, no one really knows. We do know it’s about life. And dinosaurs are involved…seriously. Quite simply, it looks beautiful.

Synopsis: The story centers around a family with three boys in the 1950s. The eldest son witnesses the loss of innocence.

Release Date: May 27th, 2011

Captain America

Forget about Thor, Captain America is the Marvel film to see.

Synopsis: After being deemed unfit for military service, Steve Rogers volunteers for a top secret research project that turns him into Captain America, a superhero dedicated to defending America’s ideals.

Release Date: July 22nd, 2011

Bridesmaids

Early word on this film claims that it’s HILARIOUS. The trailers have been OK, but those who have seen it claim the real laughs have not been spoiled in the trailers. Hmmn. Kristin Wiig (Funniest female comedian)  + Jon Hamm (man crush) + Maya Rudolph (prominent member of my biracial coalition): Color me intrigued.

Synopsis: Picked as her best friend’s maid of honor, lovelorn and broke Annie (Wiig) looks to bluff her way through the expensive and bizarre rituals with an oddball group of bridesmaids.

Release Date: May 13, 2011

The newly released (must see) Red Band trailer – “Soup’s done…no its not.”

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

I’m a sucker. I absolutely HATED every second of Transformers 2. And then this 30 second commercial played during the Super Bowl.

Damnit.

Bonus: Beats Rhymes and Fights: The History of a Tribe Called Quest

How can I leave out a documentary out about the greatest hip hop group that ever lived? Watch the clip below – if you don’t know, now you know. If you still don’t know, I feel sorry for you.

Release Date: July 8, 2011

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After the jump are my Top 5 off-point thoughts on upcoming films in 2010 that ended up deceiving me to the core. Enjoy — this won’t happen again.

The A-Team

Released: June 11th, 2010

Date of Doomed Quote: January 8th, 2010

The Proof: “Ridiculous action and a few set pieces is all you really need in an A-Team Movie. It’s simple.”

The Verdict: Look, in hindsight, I was still correct. The realization I had after seeing this movie was pretty basic. They should have never made the movie in the first place. All you needed was ridiculous action and a few set pieces. But that was the fundamental problem.

Somewhere

Released: December 22nd, 2010

Date of Doomed Quote: June 14th, 2010

The Proof: “This will have multiple Academy Award nominations. You heard it here first.”

The Verdict: The nominations will be announced on Tuesday. This movie was an average student film at best. Utter disaster. In trying to think of what this film would get nominated for, I ended up banging my head against the wall. It’s horrible. Disregard the above quote and erase it from your memory.

Greenberg

Released: March 26, 2010

Date of Doomed Quote: December 7th, 2009

The Proof: “After careful review, I am adding Greenberg to the 2010 Obsession list. It’s gonna be THAT GOOD.”

The Verdict: I’ve enjoyed all of Noah Baumbach’s work. This was one of the worst films of 2010.  That includes Clash of the Titans, Marmaduke, that Ashton Kutcher movie Killers, and more. I hated this movie from 5 minutes in to the bitter (BITTER!) end.

Alice in Wonderland

Released: March 5th, 2010

Date of Doomed Quote: June 22nd, 2009

The Proof: “Oh Tim Burton, how you trick thee.  Your artwork is always beautiful, the promos are always on point.  But you sure have screwed up your remakes (Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).  Please keep this dark and wonderfully weird as promised.  Please.”

The Verdict: This quote doesn’t quite grasp how much I exploited the art of this film into a potential great flick. I should have listened to myself here and warned everyone with a stronger voice. Tim Burton HAS screwed up his remakes…and Alice in Wonderland is another one for the failed books. At least I made it to the end of the film, my wife hated it so much, she walked out and waited outside for the last 20 minutes. Yes, she was pregnant. Yes, the theater was an unusual balmy 85 degrees. Yes, the movie was horrible.

Tron: Legacy

Released: December 17th, 2010

Date of Doomed Quote: March 8th, 2010

The Proof: “Tron: Legacy is the first step in a post-Avatar world. We expect to be blown away. We expect the spectacle.”

The Verdict: Another example of overstating myself. We expected to be blown away, but do you know many people that were? I saw spectacle in the film, but the plot holes were so abundant it looked like Peter Rabbit got final say on the script. I’ll never watch this movie again. It was OK on the gigantic IMAX screen. It will never translate to a home viewing experience.

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Being able to concentrate on a movie at work is an art form. You need that excel spreadsheet minimized at your disposal in case you need to make a quick switch of the screen. You’ll also need to be aware of your surroundings. Because of this, you don’t want to watch anything too deep or complicated. Inception might not be the best choice of films when THIS GUY is walking down the hall.  You need something light, easy, good, fulfilling — something that will take the sorrow of Monday away while slowly bringing your mind back to the real world.  As a present to you all – I bring to you – The Top 5 Movies to Stream at Work or Top 5 Movies that will make the Monday after the holiday suck a bit less.

Let the Right One In – I’ve mentioned this film a ton on this site…and for good reason. It’s a gem that many missed. The American remake came and went a few months ago. Recently, Netflix decided to include this film in their streaming movies. Do yourself a favor and stream it.  Yes, it’s in subtitles, but that’s what makes it perfect for work viewing. You’ll be intensely looking at the screen reading subtitles, barely taking your eyes off the screen. Those looking from a distance will think, “Boy, he/she sure works hard. Just look at the intensity!” Cue a quick look over your right shoulder, thumbs up, a wink and a cheesy smile.

Add to your queue!

New Jack City – Do you want to move up the corporate ladder? Want to get that big raise? Watch Nino Brown (Wesley Snipes) handle his business and teach you how to succeed. Bump your head to “New Jack Hustler” and learn how to hustle the streets office on this miserable Monday morning.

Add it to your queue!

The Human Centipide – Nothing says Monday morning like a little ass to mouth. Yes, this movie really exists. No, I have never seen it. Want to find the perfect cure to your Monday blues? Watch The Human Centipede. Copy this stack of notes. Close this deal. Handle this irrational client. Make some cold calls. Things could be worse. You could have your mouth sewn to a human backside. Synopsis here:

After their car breaks down while in Germany, Americans Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) wind up at a remote villa — and soon find themselves trapped in a nightmare. Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser) kidnaps them for his demented experiment to create a human “centipede.” The plan includes removing their kneecaps so they must walk on all fours, then surgically connecting them to a Japanese man to create a bizarre human chain.

Add it to your queue!

The Endless Summer - If you need a true escape from your reality, check out this flick. The quintessential surf film of our time, The Endless Summer will take you to all those places you’ll never see, experience, or enjoy – all in 92 minutes. The weather is cold, you are at work, and the phone is ringing off the hook. Plug into this film and feel the ocean breeze. If it wasn’t for that loud talker next to you, you’d almost be transported to the Tahitian sands.

Add it to your queue!

Arrested Development (All 3 seasons) – One of the best comedies ever that got the shaft way too early.  Stream all three seasons on Netflix. If anyone catches you watching it and gives you any crap, simply raise an eyebrow and dismiss them with the wave of your hand. They are not worthy to be in your workspace. I hate them for you.  If anyone catches you watching it and asks to sit alongside and watch, remember the moment. You are sitting next to your soulmate.

Add it to your queue!

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These are too great to pass up – below are UGO’s Top 50 Jackass stunts.  See them all HERE.

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The most recent trailer mashup craze has been for Inception. Mashups of Inception are popping up with every film on the planet. Most are terrible.  I’ve actually been surprised at how good a few of these actually are (especially my #1 choice).  It proves how powerful a piece of music can actually be. Play it with anything…and I mean ANYTHING, and you’ll feel the emotion. You’ll want to revisit Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. You’ll feel the pain of Lloyd Christmas. After the jump, enjoy the best of Inception Trailer Mashup goodness.

But first, please click HERE. (I promise it’s not spam…it’s to help you thru your Friday)

#5 Total Recall Inception

#4 Empire Strikes Back Inception

#3 Toy Story 3 Inception

#2 Bill and Ted’s Excellent Inception

#1 Dumb and Dumber

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I knew this day was coming. Which is exactly why it took me so long to finally see Alice in Wonderland. I knew this was going to be my Breakup CD.  Buying the ticket would be Track 1.  Let the depressing songs and harsh reality commence.

Below are the Top 5 Reasons Why Alice in Wonderland was a complete waste of time.

1) Seriously, what was the point?!

50% of the film is devoted to everyone around Alice hinting to her that she’s already been down the rabbit hole. The other 50%  is devoted to actress Mia Wasikowska looking dazed and confused.  There’s your movie. What really was the point of this?  Never was the ending ever in doubt, as it’s told to the audience within the first 25 minutes. *Slight Spoiler* – Her “destiny” on Frabjous Day was to slay the Jabberwocky. There was never a moment in the film that you doubted this could happen.  It was more difficult for me to take my 3D glasses out of the plastic than it was for her to chop off its head.  There was never any true conflict in the entire film. Too easy to trick the Red Queen. Too easy to get out of her real life proposal. Too easy to meet up with the White Queen. Too easy…too lazy. Amazing art direction; amazingly lazy writing. Was Alice any different at the climax of the film vs. the beginning? Absolutely not. She was a free spirit throughout.  The only character that is truly fleshed out is the Mad Hatter. Burton’s Johnny Depp fetish continues and is apparent in his overused screen time for the Hatter.

2) The battle scene

Remember that time in college when you thought it would be fun to take a #2 in the fishbowl, scoop it out, and place it in a crock pot for a slow overnight cook. That’s what the climatic battle scene was — a crock of shit. Nothing happened. Everyone watched Alice run up some stairs and chop off a head. That’s it. CROCK OF SHIT.

3) The 3D hype

You want to see a movie in 3D? Shell out the big bucks. Starting last weekend, price of 3D admission is on the rise.  Every Hollywood tentpole film is currently being converted to 3D to keep up with the hype. We are slowly being hustled by that old man in the shades across the poker table. Alice had no reason being 3D. Sure, the Cheshire Cat looked cool. But nothing else made sense.  Please know, ALL movies do not need to be seen in 3D. Remember the days of B.A. (Before Avatar)? Before the game changer blew our minds away, we were perfectly fine with regular ole two dimensional screens. IMAX was a special treat. But the local AMC screen would still do the trick. Now the public is demanding everything to be in 3D.  This needs to stop. The only reason to see Alice in Wonderland is for the beautiful art design and costumes. That’s it. Nothing that’s worth shelling out $5 more per person. Yes, you can consider yourself saved.

4) Johnny Depp

Unfortunately, we have to compare Johnny Depp to Johnny Depp. As great as he was in his mental patient take on the Mad Hatter, you sort of have the feeling “been there, done that”. I can see Tim Burton’s direction right now “Johnny, don’t over think it. Just throw a bit of Jack Sparrow with a shimmer of Willy Wonka and a touch of Hunter S. Thompson. Add a Scottish accent every once in awhile….perfect. Now bug your eyes out. Yes!” Time for something new, Mr. Depp. You’ve jumped the Tim Burton shark.

5) Danny Elfman score

God, I wish I was Danny Elfman. Create one amazing score and re-purpose it over and over and over again. Throughout this film, we get the Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Spiderman score all mixed up to disguise it as something new.  Think I’m wrong? Check all three below and compare it to the Alice score above. Same ole same ole. They are all variations of each other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3eB1eBw028

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1. Avatar – Not sure if you’ve heard about this little James Cameron film. But it’s a definite MUST SEE. In 3-D. On IMAX. James Cameron actually delivers on his full year of “game changing” boasts. Yes, the storyline has its slight problems, but the film is the real deal. The performance capture created by Cameron’s team truly is a game changer.  In 3-D, you feel as if you are on the planet Pandora. Don’t wait to watch it at home. This film reassures all that is great about actually going to the movies.

2. Up in the Air – George Clooney will get nominated for Best Actor, and possibly win. Jason Reitman will get nominated for Best Director and Screenplay. One of the two actress (Vera Farmiga & Anna Kendrick) will get nominated for Best Actress (but not win).  These are not bold statements. I speak the truth. It will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, and make you wonder what the hell is going on with America’s job market.  Very relevant film. Very funny, too. Go see it before your Aunt Hilda who knows NOTHING sees it and tells you that it’s the greatest movie and blah blah blah. The buzz and hype will reach a fever pitch as award season starts kicking in, so see it SOON.

3. Fantastic Mr. Fox – I was really reluctant to see this at first. I love Wes Anderson films and all (except The Life Aquatic, that one really went off the rails), but wasn’t really feeling the stop motion animation.  After seeing it, I will admit that I’m a fool.  Based on a kids book, I’m not even sure how much of a kid’s film it is. Most of the jokes would seem to go over the kids heads. I laughed out loud many times throughout.  There is a reason this film has 100% positive reviews amongst top critics on Rotten Tomatoes. Fantastic Mr. Fox is FANTASTIC.

4. Brothers – In general, Tobey Maguire creeps me out. I just don’t really like him. That being said, he may very well get nominated (not win) for an Academy Award in his role in this film. His bugged eyed, sunken in, creepshow performance actually works in this tense film.  I recommend this movie with caution, the performances are fantastic and the script really develops the characters well. It’s just trying to do a few too many things at one time, while downplaying some of the obvious elements it needed to explore.

5. The Road – I really enjoyed this book. And the film does a fantastic job of adapting it. It’s just a tough one to recommend. The narrative, story arc, and overall struggle seem to be best fit for a novel. The slow crawl to the end of the world is shot beautifully. Viggo Mortensen is amazing as usual (Yes, he gets naked for about the 80th film in a row. Luckily no naked karate kicks like in Eastern Promises).  Here it is in a nutshell. I absolutely loved this movie. But wouldn’t recommend it to everyone. It’s a downer. But a magnificent downer.

To avoid: Did You Hear About the Morgans?, Armored, Old Dogs

Enjoy the holiday break!

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The below list are films that moved me in some way as I grew up as an adult.  I saw Requiem for A Dream 3 times in the theater (yes, I’m a glutton for punishment). I watched a special back to back Arclight screening of Kill Bill 1 and Kill Bill 2.  I saw Oldboy without knowing anything about it — man, was that shocking. The score for Road to Perdition still moves me when I hear it.  You won’t find Lord of the Rings trilogy on this list as I’ll never watch those again. These are all films that only get better each time I see them.

Through movie magic, some helped me find clarity during the bad times. Others simply helped my mind run wild in imagination. They all were thought provoking, inspiring, haunting, and creative pieces of work that I really appreciated.

30. High Fidelity (2000) – A love letter to the audiophiles, this film will make you laugh, cringe, and make you realize you relate to John Cusack’s character maybe a little too much.

29. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) – There’s a special place in my heart for the imagination of kids (see #13 and #17) and this one is no exception. It sets up an amazingly creepy fantasy world that let’s your imagination run wild.

28. Munich (2005) – Seth Rogan’s character says it best in Knocked Up, “If any of us gets laid tonight, it’s because of Eric Bana in Munich.”  Inglorious Basterds was great, but this is the ultimate Jewish revenge flick. This is a great Spielberg film that oddly was forgotten.

27. Road to Perdition (2002) – The rain scene shootout and amazing score put this in my top 30 list. Can’t wait to see this film again.

26. Memento (2000) – On paper, this film is as gimmicky as they come. The whole film is backwards so each plot point is revealed in reverse order. Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight) gives the audience a pitch perfect murder mystery and doesn’t get wrapped up in the gimmicks. Solid cast, perfect script, this is a thriller-noir that everyone must see.

25. Juno (2007) – The buzz around this movie made it unbearable to even hear the name Diablo Cody or Juno. Somehow, this film still holds strong through annoying buzz. Funny, heartfelt, with an all-too-real subject matter.

24. Sideways (2004) - I can never look at a bottle of Merlot the same again. Hilarious movie that deserved all of the accolades and buzz it got. It’s just too bad Thomas Haden Church couldn’t parlay his nominated role into more. His Spiderman 3 was a TRAINWRECK!

23. The Dark Knight in IMAX (2008) – If you haven’t seen this movie, I doubt you’re reading this. Quite simply, this is the best superhero movie made. Period. If you saw it in IMAX, your balls are probably just healing up from the swift kick they took from the kickassity of it all. Yes, I just said that.

22. Away We Go (2009) – Maybe it hit close to home, but I thought this movie was fantastic. Sam Mendes quietly made one of his best films and no one really saw it. It’s a shame.  Here is my review from initial screening.

21. Let the Right One In (2008) – I reviewed it HERE. This Swedish Vampire flick is fantastic. “Eli” would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass. But so could I.

20. Finding Nemo (2003) – Many will argue that Pixar’s best films are The Incredibles, Wall-E, or Up. I don’t think any of them compare to Finding Nemo. It’s heartfelt, funny, and swimmingly brilliant.

19. Talk To Her (2002) – One of Almodovar’s best films, this Oscar Winner (Screenplay) and Nominee (Director) will catch you by surprise. All you need to know is the basic plot: Two men share an odd friendship while they care for their girlfriends who are both in deep comas

18. Adaptation (2002) – Charlie Kaufman: Writer; Spike Jonze: Director; Meryl Streep: Actress. What more do you need?

17. Spirited Away (2001) – Beat out Pixar’s Monster’s Inc. for the first ever Best Animated Picture Academy Award. It would beat out any Pixar movie ever released. Place some imagination in a crack pipe, light it, and smoke it. That’s what you’ll get here. Alice in Wonderland meets Charlie and the Chocolate Factory meets a low level street drug.  Amazing film.

16. The Royal Tennenbaums (2001) – My favorite of Wes Anderson’s films.

15. Blackhawk Down (2001) – This film disturbs me beyond belief. A true war story which proves that the same mistakes keep being made over and over in the world. We didn’t learn from either of the World Wars. We didn’t learn from Vietnam.  Pure madness. A brilliant and haunting film from Ridley Scott.

14. Oldboy (2003) - My spoiler free review is HERE. I wish I never saw this movie…so that I can see it again without knowing anything.

13. Where the Wild Things Are (2009) – This could move up or down the list upon future viewings.

12. Knocked Up (2007) – I was completely surprised at how honest and hilarious this was. And it still holds up with multiple viewings.

11. No Country For Old Men (2007) – Easily one of the best Coen Brothers movies.

10. Children of Men (2006) – Haunting, personal, and way underrated. This is a must watch film.

9. Lost In Translation (2003) – This movie could have easily been in my Top 5. Emptiness and neglect bond two intriguing characters. Sofia Coppola is at her best here, juggling the strange and vibrant world of Japan with the solemn sadness of her characters.

8. Almost Famous (2000) -  A deeply personal film for Cameron Crowe showcases what he knows best – music. This movie never gets old.

7. There Will Be Blood (2007) – As I’ve mentioned many times, this is a masterpiece from my favorite modern director. It gets better with each viewing.

6. Into the Wild (2007) – Another underrated film. It will make you want to quit your job, introduce your middle finger to “the man”, and walk the Earth. Sean Penn does a great job in leaving it up to the audience to determine whether Chris McCandless was a spoiled brat or a youth trying to blaze his own trail. I listen to this Eddie Vedder soundtrack all the time. Amazing film.

5. 25th Hour (2002) - One of the first New York based films that includes 9/11 as one of its characters. This is Spike Lee at his best. Not too heavy handed, but hammering his points home. We all make mistakes in life. When should they stop being forgiven?

4. City of God (2002) - An unflinching look at life in the slums of Rio de Janiero. This ain’t Slumdog Millionaire. Kids with guns. Gangs on all corners. I wish I had two more hands so I could give it 4 thumbs up.

3. Requiem for a Dream (2000) – This is easily the best anti-drug film I’ve ever seen. It never tells you “Don’t do drugs” or gives any type of After School special message. It just shows you, this can be your life when drugs rule you. And who knew Marlon Wayans can actually act!  The haunting score from Clint Mansell has been used numerous times in other films. Watching the trailer HERE not only makes me sad, it makes me want to see this film again. One of the best…ever.

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) - One of the most simple yet creative scripts I’ve had the opportunity to read. It was carefully directed to keep Charlie Kaufman’s stamp all over it. Jim Carrey at his dramatic best. This gets better each time I see it (which has been alot). This is on my Top 10 films of all time. That’s how much I loved it. Here is a heartbreaking scene.

1. Kill Bill Series (2003/2004) – One of the greatest things about movies is that you can escape to another place, another time, solve a murder, fly through space…you can do anything when the lights are dimmed and the projector starts to rumbling. The Indiana Jones series (except the last one) brought you a sense of adventure in a real world environment with things that could never happen in the real world. Kill Bill 1 & 2 does the same thing. True, you can’t take your samurai sword on a flight to Japan. But in Quentin Tarantino’s universe, you sure as hell can. True, one person, no matter how much of a badass they are, can’t take out an entire team of 88 ninjas. But you can in QT’s universe.  The Kill Bill movies are everything that film should be about. Imagination. Fun. Unforeseen twists. Head’s rollling. If you didn’t enjoy this movie, you probably missed the point.

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What movie was he in? Training Day (2001)

What is his weapon of choice? LAPD Badge

The proof is in the scene: HERE

Why you don’t want to invite him over for Christmas dinner: You haven’t seen your nephew Billy for quite awhile and are thrilled that “Little Billy” and family will be at the house for Christmas. For some reason, Little Billy is really into playing with classic monster toys – Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula, King Kong… No idea what got him on this kick, but he has figurines of all of them. He’s a weird kid. Everyone is relaxing after dinner and Little Billy is playing “monsters” with Cousin Alonzo. Suddenly, Cousin Alonzo starts brewing. He sits on the couch, stands up, paces down the hallway. Something is obviously wrong with him.  He is sweating profusely, patting his jacket pocket for the empty pack of cigarettes. You lift yourself from the food coma to handle the odd situation. But Alonzo’s not having it. He glares at Little Billy. Upper lip quivering, he gives a slow upward nod to him.

“What’s the problem, Zo?”

He looks right through you. A bead of sweat drops from his ear with a splash to the wood flooring.

Behind you, Little Billy smashes the King Kong toy against the plastic Dracula. SMASH! SMASH! Dracula’s head falls off.

Alonzo has seen enough. He violently shoves you aside and stands over sweet Little Billy.

“You think you can do this to me?! I play with you and this is how you treat me?  Don’t f#%k with me, Billy.”

Billy triumphantly tosses headless Dracula to the side, embracing his King Kong toy.

“King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” Alonzo proclaims.

4. O-Ren Ishii

What movie was she in? Kill Bill Vol.1 (2003)

What is her weapon of choice? Samurai Sword

The proof is in the scene: HERE

Why you don’t want to invite her over for Christmas dinner: You’re super nervous. It’s the first time your family is going to meet your new girlfriend, O-Ren. You had no choice but to invite her, her entire family is back in Japan. Cautiously optimistic, you have the feeling the dinner will go off without a hitch.

You enter the house in your Banana Republic sweater vest; O-Ren wears a Christmas themed kimono filled with candy canes, Santa heads, and mistletoe. The grand entrance is met with warm smiles, loving hugs, and genuine approval. Except for Grandpa Ben. You know, racist WWII vet Grandpa Ben. Crap, forgot he was going to be here.

Over dinner, your Grandpa is very dismissive of your new girlfriend. He often has his war flashbacks and tonight is no exception. He acts like she’s an intruder and refuses to politely laugh at her jokes with the rest of the family, must to the ire of O-Ren.

“Your grandfather obviously has something on his mind,” O-Ren declares “By all means, let him express it.”

Grandpa Ben steams. Suddenly he smashes his eggnog against the table.

“I’m not sure why you are all laughing and celebrating with this perversion in the room.”

“What perversion do you speak of?” your girlfriend snaps back.

Grandpa Ben stares straight ahead at the 12 Days of Christmas painting.

“My father” he begins “…and his father, and EVERYONE in my family tree has always had a real Christmas tree. I look over in that room and see a fake Target tree. This is a PERVERSION of Christmas!”

The room starts heating up as you quickly fan yourself with a Santa napkin.  Your parents are stunned at this sudden attack on their tree from a box.  O-Ren is not having it. She jumps on the table and with the pitter patter of her size 2 feet sprints towards Grandpa Ben.

It’s safe to say the debate of the Christmas tree came to a head.

3. The Joker

What movie was he in? The Dark Knight (2008)

What is his weapon of choice? Pencil

The proof is in the scene: HERE

Why you don’t want to invite him over for Christmas dinner: Unless you want to be the laughingstock of the family, it’s better not to invite the cracked out, stringy hair, laughing hyena, caked on Halloween makeup, purple suited college roommate to the holiday festivities.

2. Anton Chigurh

What movie was he in? No Country For Old Men (2007)

What is his weapon of choice? Cattle Gun

The proof is in the scene: HERE

Why you don’t want to invite him over for Christmas dinner: Ring ring. Ring ring! You’re walking out of the grocery store when you hear the dreaded holiday bell. You know what bell I’m talking about. The Salvation Army bell.

Ring ring. Ring ring!

It’s the end of the year and you can’t honestly think of one charitable thing you’ve done all year. That’s when a light bulb pops above your head.

“I have something better than throwing a few coins in your bucket,” you yell to the Salvation Army man with the precise bowl cut.

“How about you have a warm meal at my place for Christmas and get out of this chilly weather.”

*Freeze: This spontaneous remark represents all that is wrong with you. Yes, it would be an amazing gesture to invite the man to dinner. But no, Salvation Army ring shakers are not the homeless.

The man nods to your careless gesture. The ring of the bell penetrates your eardrums as he drops the bell to pick up his cattle gun. This is the end of you.

1. Patrick Bateman

What movie was he in? American Psycho (2000)

What is his weapon of choice? Chainsaw and sometimes an axe

The proof is in the scene: HERE (Watch all 5 minutes to see Christian Bale at his absolute best)

Why you don’t want to invite them over for Christmas dinner: You feel bad for your co-worker who you now consider a good friend. He has no family. And it’s Christmastime. Over happy hour drinks, you think about inviting him over for Christmas dinner. But first he starts ranting about music, specifically Huey Lewis and the News. And then Phil Collins. Why do you care? What’s wrong with this guy? And then he lays this one on you–

“I have all the characteristics of a human being — blood, flesh, skin, hair — but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me, and I don’t know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.”

Good times.

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