There really can’t be a more disappointing director out there than Tim Burton.  The level of pre-excitement vs. actual film is so far off skew, I can’t wrap my mind around it.  Sleepy Hollow, Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – and now Alice in Wonderland, there have just been too many duds in his recent films.  You can point to flashes of his old self in Sweeney Todd, but a flash isn’t enough for fans of Tim Burton like myself.  Check that. Former fan.

I knew this day was coming. Which is exactly why it took me so long to finally see Alice in Wonderland. I knew this was going to be my Breakup CD.  Buying the ticket would be Track 1.  Let the depressing songs and harsh reality commence.

Below are the Top 5 Reasons Why Alice in Wonderland was a complete waste of time.

1) Seriously, what was the point?!

50% of the film is devoted to everyone around Alice hinting to her that she’s already been down the rabbit hole. The other 50%  is devoted to actress Mia Wasikowska looking dazed and confused.  There’s your movie. What really was the point of this?  Never was the ending ever in doubt, as it’s told to the audience within the first 25 minutes. *Slight Spoiler* – Her “destiny” on Frabjous Day was to slay the Jabberwocky. There was never a moment in the film that you doubted this could happen.  It was more difficult for me to take my 3D glasses out of the plastic than it was for her to chop off its head.  There was never any true conflict in the entire film. Too easy to trick the Red Queen. Too easy to get out of her real life proposal. Too easy to meet up with the White Queen. Too easy…too lazy. Amazing art direction; amazingly lazy writing. Was Alice any different at the climax of the film vs. the beginning? Absolutely not. She was a free spirit throughout.  The only character that is truly fleshed out is the Mad Hatter. Burton’s Johnny Depp fetish continues and is apparent in his overused screen time for the Hatter.

2) The battle scene

Remember that time in college when you thought it would be fun to take a #2 in the fishbowl, scoop it out, and place it in a crock pot for a slow overnight cook. That’s what the climatic battle scene was — a crock of shit. Nothing happened. Everyone watched Alice run up some stairs and chop off a head. That’s it. CROCK OF SHIT.

3) The 3D hype

You want to see a movie in 3D? Shell out the big bucks. Starting last weekend, price of 3D admission is on the rise.  Every Hollywood tentpole film is currently being converted to 3D to keep up with the hype. We are slowly being hustled by that old man in the shades across the poker table. Alice had no reason being 3D. Sure, the Cheshire Cat looked cool. But nothing else made sense.  Please know, ALL movies do not need to be seen in 3D. Remember the days of B.A. (Before Avatar)? Before the game changer blew our minds away, we were perfectly fine with regular ole two dimensional screens. IMAX was a special treat. But the local AMC screen would still do the trick. Now the public is demanding everything to be in 3D.  This needs to stop. The only reason to see Alice in Wonderland is for the beautiful art design and costumes. That’s it. Nothing that’s worth shelling out $5 more per person. Yes, you can consider yourself saved.

4) Johnny Depp

Unfortunately, we have to compare Johnny Depp to Johnny Depp. As great as he was in his mental patient take on the Mad Hatter, you sort of have the feeling “been there, done that”. I can see Tim Burton’s direction right now “Johnny, don’t over think it. Just throw a bit of Jack Sparrow with a shimmer of Willy Wonka and a touch of Hunter S. Thompson. Add a Scottish accent every once in awhile….perfect. Now bug your eyes out. Yes!” Time for something new, Mr. Depp. You’ve jumped the Tim Burton shark.

5) Danny Elfman score

God, I wish I was Danny Elfman. Create one amazing score and re-purpose it over and over and over again. Throughout this film, we get the Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Spiderman score all mixed up to disguise it as something new.  Think I’m wrong? Check all three below and compare it to the Alice score above. Same ole same ole. They are all variations of each other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3eB1eBw028

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