The film is one of the best of the franchise. My only complaint is the villain is not as strong as previous installments.  It’s not like anyone is going to top Phillip Seymour Hoffman, but would have liked to see some effort. This guy was just too cool for school.

For pure entertainment value, check this one out. You won’t be disappointed. To tell you anymore would ruin the fun. Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to write about it anymore.

Now for the real story. What is up with Tom Cruise and his crazy sprint in every movie (he does it 3 times in M:I 4)? I thought I was the only one fixated on this, but then I did a few keystrokes on the ole Google and learned otherwise. Looks like Tom Cruise is running in everyones minds.

Below, you’ll find two videos I created in my mind found on the world wide web. In the first gem, you’ll see the evolution of the Tom Cruise run. From his early trot to his present day crazed sprint. In the second piece of art, you’ll be treated to a montage of the great runs of Tom Cruise. He runs from the explosion. He runs towards the girl. He runs.  Now I have a greater appreciation of his portrayal of wheelchair bound Vietnam Vet, Ron Kovic, in Born on the Fourth of July. You can’t run in a wheelchair. *

*Actually, the first video shows him running pre-wheelchair at the 1:00 min mark. I stand corrected. Running must be in his contract.

Please stretch before watching this.

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The Descendants

Alexander Payne continues his “man in turmoil” series with this one. If you’re not familiar with Payne’s work, you need to catch up and watch Election, About Schmidt, and Sideways. The male protagonist in each film is at a major crossroads. The Descendants continues this trip.  This film will generate a ton of Oscar buzz — most deservedly to George Clooney in one of his strongest and most complicated roles to date. The film successfully walks the fine line of sadness along with genuine humor. The trailer really doesn’t capture the true essence of the film. Watch it with a grain of salt. This isn’t the film you’ll see.

Grade: B+

Hugo

After seeing this film, I now realize why word of mouth is so important. There is no way any type of marketing can give the film justice. The trailer is just OK (nauseating voiceover) and the artwork was average at best. But the film itself, was pure movie magic. Martin Scorsese takes his first true shot at a family film and hit it out of the park. Outside of Avatar, this was the best use of 3D I’ve ever seen. No joke. It’s not a kids movie. It’s not really even really a family film. The entire movie is simply Scorsese’s love letter to film as a whole. I’m not going to spoil anything, but the history of film and how we got to the point of 3D is lovingly explored. It’s sad, it’s thrilling, it’s perfect. I understand — the trailer doesn’t give you any hints to this. But if you have the chance, check this one out in glorious 3D.  If you are a cinephile like myself, you will be in pure movie heaven. If you simply love the art of film or the feeling you get watching something moving and inspiring projected on the screen…go see Hugo. It’s one of the best movies of the year.

Grade: A

Shame

This movie will ruin you. It hits you and it hits you hard. The first time I watched Leaving Las Vegas I remember telling myself, “Well, that’s never going to go away”, and it didn’t. I think about the raw power of that film more than I’d probably like. Shame feels the same way. It’s raw. It’s troubling. It’s powerful. It will stay with you for a long time. Director Steve McQueen (Hunger) and actor Michael Fassbender (X:Men First Class, Inglorious Basterds) are two people you should pay very close attention to. They will be the force of Hollywood in the very near future. Fassbender deserves an Oscar for this performance for his role as a sex addict. The main problem is that the film is NC-17. Would the conservative and cranky Academy actually reward a film this controversial? This performance is worth seeing. Regarding the rating, yes, this film truly deserves it. The media likes to discuss the full frontal male/female nudity in this. But there are a few sex scenes that truly move it past the typical R rating. As McQueen eloquently stated (and I’m paraphrasing), “who doesn’t know about nudity and sex?” As adults, we shouldn’t act like this is so shocking — especially if it’s done tastefully and within reason.

Grade: A-

The Muppets

Mahna, Mahna! Doo doo, da do do!

There isn’t much to say here. I was always going to love this movie. It had to be horrendous for me not to adore it. It lived up to expectations to the fullest. If you want to smile for 1 1/2 hours, watch The Muppets. If you need a break from the stress of daily life, watch The Muppets. If you want a kids movie that is aimed at adults, watch The Muppets. You’ll laugh (I did), you’ll cry (others did), you’ll cheer (of course I did). What a great movie to cherish.

Grade: You don’t grade Muppets, you just enjoy them.

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Yes, I attended the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 World Premiere in Los Angeles. And no matter what I try, I cannot unsee it or erase it from my mind. I’m haunted. I’m tarnished. A small piece of me has died inside.

Let me be absolutely clear – when asked to attend, my original thought was “no.” I have wisely passed on watching any of the previous films. I knew the gist of it – Love triangle, vampires, werewolves, Team Jacob/Edward, blah blah blah. But really, how bad could the movie be?  It’s not my cup of tea (I’m not a 14 year old girl), but there HAD to be some semblance of quality.  After a 10 minute Wiki session, I was caught up and ready to watch the first part of the final chapter of one of the most successful movie franchises ever. At least I thought…

I made a key mistake in preparing to watch this film. For the past week, the news was covering the fact that Twi-hards were camping at the Nokia Center to catch a glimpse of the cast. Unlike Occupy Wall Street — they had a clear message: They lusted over Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and the world was going to know. I was not prepared for the madness. But how could anyone prepare for this?

* This really happened

* Yes, that 10 year old girl is holding a “Sexy Beast” Robert Pattinson sign.

* Not sure what’s more disturbing — the misuse of the word “Brake” instead of “Break” or the reality of the message she’s expressing.  Wow.

Walking past the Red Carpet was crazier than a World Cup event. If you can go through your entire life without having to hear 10,000 tween girls screaming in unison, consider yourself lucky. My ears are still ringing. Girls were going absolutely nuts outside. Ridiculous signs bordering on inappropriate (lots of sex-themed signs from young girls). Crying was the norm. It felt like I walked into a teen girl version of The Walking Dead. Quickly, I made my way to the 7,000 seat theater to watch the film and give it a fair shake. Director Bill Condon (Gods & Monsters, Dreamgirls) was at the helm this time , so I felt it deserved the benefit of the doubt.

Popcorn…Diet Coke…Restroom…then I sit down around a crowd of seemingly adult looking beings. All is well.

And then the lights go out.

Man.

It was Beatles mania times 10. The shrieks sounded off throughout the darkened theater at a pitch not of this Earth. Girls went ape-shit.

The title credits appear — SHRIEKS!

Bella (Kristen Stewart) makes her first appearance – MAD SHRIEKS!!

Edward (Robert Pattinson) contemplates the upcoming wedding – SQUEALS OF DELIGHT!

Jacob (Taylor Lautner) rips off his shirt in anger – HEAD’S LITERALLY EXPLODED. I HAD TO USE A NAPKIN TO WIPE OFF THE REMNANTS.

One would think the crowd would settle down after each of the intros. I am a fool. This lasted the entire nauseating 2 hours up to the final money shot (I won’t spoil it).

But was the movie actually bearable? Absolutely not. I’ve seen a lot of bad movies in my lifetime. This ranked right up there with some of the worst. Terrible CGI (cars can transform into giant robots and look believable in Transformers, but they couldn’t pull off a human to wolf transition). The script was absolutely horrid. A choice line: “It’s crushing you, from the inside out.” – Edward in regards to her obviously deadly pregnancy. (Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Ed). There were so many bad lines, many people laughed out loud. The Carter Burwell score(who I personally really enjoy)  had the sound of a telenovela. An overly dramatic piano score played throughout the film whenever we weren’t bombarded with a cheesy soft rock song.

Absolutely nothing happened in the film until over an hour had passed. And even then, it was hardly a game changer. Some people wolves got mad. Then they snarled. Then they ran through the woods. Literally, that was it.

I know you’re dying to hear about the anticipated wedding. Let’s put it this way – the wedding and reception made the Melancholia wedding seem like a blast. What a giant BORE. The honeymoon was horrendous.  Do people really spend their time playing chess all day on their honeymoon?

Splitting this final movie into two was an obvious cash grab. But sadly for fans — besides the anticipated sex scene, there really isn’t much in this first part. If you’re into cheesy flashback montages, wooden acting, and laughable one-liners — then this movie is for you. Want to have a great laugh? Wait til you see the wolves “talking” in auto-tuned voiceover. Oh my.

I could go on and on. I don’t need to save you from watching this. Either your a fanatic or your not.

I’m not embarrassed to say that I sat through this “film”.  I’m just disturbed that I can’t get the travesty out of my mind. It’s haunting. Don’t make the same mistake that I made.

alpaca plural of al·pac·a (Noun)

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After seeing Drive this weekend, I’m not only thrilled to see a movie that caters to the inner movie geek in me (80′s gritty movie nostalgia throughout), but it’s a film that understands that film should be art — not something to steal money from your wallet.

Ryan Gosling stars as a Los Angeles wheelman for hire, stunt driving for movie productions by day and steering getaway vehicles for armed heists by night. Though a loner by nature, Driver can’t help falling in love with his beautiful neighbor Irene (Carey Mulligan), a vulnerable young mother dragged into a dangerous underworld by the return of her ex-convict husband Standard (Oscar Isaac).

Take that generic synopsis and throw it out the door. You will not be prepared for the gripping heist film pulsating with 80′s synth pop throughout. Ryan Gosling — who is quickly becoming one of my favorite modern day actors — plays it old school cool. Much like Clint Eastwood in “The Man With No Name” trilogy, not only does Gosling not have a name (he’s only called “Driver”), but he is a man with few words, little backstory, and everything to back up an icy stare. Gosling effectively plays the loner by hire in a manner that you root for him the entire movie, even if you’re not on-board with his decisions.

Nicolas Winding Refn will finally be a mainstream film director to be reckoned with after Drive.  After the Pusher series and the critically acclaimed Bronson, the film world has been waiting for the right project to finally move the spotlight on his brutal lens. And brutal is what we get. The violence is as brutal as an R-rated film can get. People are killed with blunt force in many abusurd, yet very real ways. But don’t let that stop you. The reality of it all is what holds this film together. The dark shadows of Los Angeles is the backdrop, with the reality of the beast forced to center stage.

The opening scene tells you everything you need to know. “Driver” knows how to maneuver every street of Los Angeles, can handle a car better than the police, and even finds a creative way to use the L.A. Clippers to his advantage (really). EVERY supporting character lights up the screen — especially Ron Perlman, Albert Brooks, Bryan Cranston and Carey Mulligan.

One final note — as someone who obsesses over the marketing artwork of the movie trailer, don’t watch it again. It gives a few great moments of the film away. Oh, and I think I’ve found my Halloween Costume. I’m thinking it’s gonna be “Driver” — jacket with scorpion embroidered on back, driving gloves, hammer in hand, and toothpick in mouth.

I loved this film. I loved the risks it took while avoiding heist action movie cliches. I loved the score that blasted throughout.  I love the little 80′s nods — like the lucky rabbit foot, the jelly bracklet, the sleazy crime lord who dallies in B-Movies, the jacket (oh, the jacket), and the Michael Mann tribute throughout. Want to actually see a movie that will make you FEEL? Do you want to see a movie that will make you THINK?

I can’t recommend this on enough. And I’m purposely avoiding giving too much away.

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It’s fitting that Conan the Barbarian rounds out the 2011 summer slate of Hollywood films. It’s a remake, the script is terrible, and a whole lot of nothing is going on. Right on par with the majority of summer movies this year. The biggest difference between this and most of its 2011 predecessors is that I actually kinda dug this one.

Last week I was fortunate to attend the red carpet premiere of Lionsgate’s remake of Conan The Barbarian. If you have never seen the original 1982 Schwarzenegger star making role, you must not be a male born in the 70′s or 80′s. You didn’t learn how to be a man from your father. You learned from Conan.  Check out the roid-fueled trailer HERE.

In the latest of the remake onslaughts, Conan is in 3D (of course). Let me save you few bucks upfront. Don’t see it in 3D. It’s pointless. Other than the opening and closing credits, I don’t recall anything  gouging my eyes with the third dimension. But I digress…

After a quick intro and polite applause for the cast, the lights went down and the testosterone level went sky high. What I witnessed while sitting 30 feet away from the newest Conan, Jason Momoa, was 2 hours of head smashing, sword slashing, and teeth gnashing. Dialogue was secondary and all but forgotten — but what else would one expect? It’s tough to even review a movie of this barbaric level. You’re either with Conan or against him.

One fear that many fans of the original have is in the casting. Outside of his recent turn in Game of Thrones, no one knew who Jason Momoa was. A quick glance at IMDB, you’ll find Baywatch and North Shore (the TV version) as his top credits.  The fears are warranted. Let me assure fans of Conan one thing: Jason Momoa owns this role. He’s charismatic, believable as a badass barbarian, and can deliver horrible lines with the right balance of comedy and realness.  But while Jason Momoa is the real deal, what about the rest? That’s where things get sticky.

The story is simple enough: Revenge.

The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.

The issue is the path to get there. The villains (the great Stephen Lang and Rose McGowen) are two dummies. Their journey and lust for ultimate power is textbook villainy: Spend decades on one absurd goal only to bumble the whole plan when it’s finally there (that was not a spoiler). They have a one track mind that never seems to deliver on the promise of an epic conclusion.  Conan also has a one track mind (revenge), which gives him no reason to grow as a character. He’s a badass as a boy, he’s a badass now. He doesn’t seem to need armor to wipe out entire human armies, sand armies, and 3-headed snakes himself. Why? Because he is a badass. He’s a superhero that doesn’t have any super hero powers. Just some Michael Jordan sword play skills.  Everything should be coming towards an epic clash, but sizzles out instead. Ron Perlman gives a standout performance (per usual) as Conan’s Dad. With the heavy beard and furs, he practically looked like an animal.  The rest of the cast was forgettable (including Rachel Nichols – the kinda love interest) — you couldn’t get a sense who anyone was since all they did was fight (literally). Not sure what else one should expect with “Barbarian” in the title.

I’m conflicted in my overall thoughts on the movie. Would I recommend it to everyone? Absolutely not. But fans of Conan the Barbarian will be happy with the modern version of this classic character.  If you want non-stop action, grunting, some chest beating, and a ton of blood splatter — buy yourself a ticket to Conan the Barbarian this weekend. It’s definitely barbaric – in every sense of the word. It’s a ton of dumb violent fun.

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…and was hooked again. Could the Bay Master have redeemed himself this quickly?

After watching the the third Transformers film in IMAX 3D last night, the answer is a resounding YES. But everyone won’t agree.  This movie should not be titled “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” The proper title should have been “Transformers: Shit Gets Real.” The Autobots get real — real down and dirty.  The effects are top notch — Oscar worthy. The script is pretty much terrible. But what can you expect from a transforming robot film? Seriously.

The best thing about this film is it’s all about Optimus Prime. Very little dialogue from other robots. Little comic relief (one of many downfalls of the last film). But like I said, it’s not for everyone. If you can’t handle 45 minutes straight of robots destroying a city, don’t watch it. If you can’t put yourself back in the shoes of a ten-year-old boy or girl, don’t watch it. If you can’t handle 2 hours and 37 minutes of some Michael Bay lovemaking to your eyeballs, don’t watch it.

I refuse to spend more time on this review than the writers did on the script. I’ll simply take the eloquent live transcript from my brain as I processed the gloriousness displayed in front of me.

Begin transcript after the jump….

:10 min – I wish they weren’t on the moon. All I can think about is  Armageddon. Has any director in the history of cinema shot more slo-mo shots of American flags waving than Michael Bay?

:17 – Uh oh, there’s a very good chance shit could get real. Decepticons got plans. They’re nuttin’ nice.

:34 – *Crickets* Can’t process this attempt at story *More crickets* Ken Jeong just brought the Asian race down two notches with this borderline offensive performance.

:47 – Optimus Prime done did it now. Wait, they can’t leave Earth but they went to the Moon in 5 seconds? Confused. Stop thinking. Just watch. You’ll ruin it…

:58 – McDreamy sure is getting a lot of screen time. I wonder if Meredith Grey is going to make a squinty eyed cameo.

1:01 – Uh oh. Shit is getting real.

1:07 – Optimus Prime droppin’ knowledge like his name was KRS-One.

1:24 – Randomly, they are in Washington D.C…Michael Bay loves him some U.S. of A.

1:34 – For some reason, they are now in Chicago. Don’t…think…too…hard.

1:36 – WHOA. Shit JUST got real.

1:37-2:34 – *Jaw dropped* Wing suits, complete destruction of skyscrapers, executions of Autobots – my eyes are bleeding. This is too much to handle. 3D is too good. IMAX screen is too real. The sound is too perfect.

2:35 – Optimus Prime droppin’ MORE knowledge. I wish I was wise like O.P. But I’m not down with O.P.P.

2:37 – Credits. No one is leaving. I need to pee. Fat man who has been hogging my arm rest the entire movie, please move.

End Transcript.

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I’m sorry for a decades worth of Katherine Heigl, Jennifer Aniston, and Kate Hudson movies.

I’m sorry for making you think that every woman is only obsessed with her broken relationship or lack thereof.

I’m sorry that a comedy with female leads is assumed to be a romantic comedy.

After many years of our brains infused with Heigl-ness, it’s a breath of fresh air to see a female driven movie that’s funny because it’s funny. Simple as that.

Yes, I’m a guy. And yes, I really enjoyed Bridesmaids. The subject matter and title might scare off the manly men out there. You’ll learn in the first 15 minutes that this is a movie for all. Any thoughts of sappy goes out the door with a food poisoning gone wrong scene. Very wrong. Any thoughts of “been there, done that” is forgotten when the great Kristen Wiig pounds goes bottoms up with scotch on the plane.  And if you’re not sold on this film, just see it for Melissa McCarthy who steals EVERY scene that she’s in as the very confident plus sized bridesmaid.

The movie is not without its flaws. While there are tremendous laughs, there are some editable moments that makes one wonder if they could have been 15 minutes shorter. Some jokes go on a few beats too long (the Maid of Honor toast and the illegally driving scene come to mind). Warts and all -  this film should be seen. Support good comedies, they come far and few between.

FS Rating: B

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*Stands on pedestal…clears throat*

God almighty, what was that?

I asked for good, all I got was SPLAT!

The name is Thor, God of Thunder;

The director had the vision of Stevie Wonder.

In a surprising turn, Chris Hemsworth was great,

But these comic book films are becoming suckers bait.

“Come watch me! I’ll thrill you in 3D!”

If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t see it for free.

Movies can be made as popcorn fare,

just give me one reason to sit there and care.

*Steps down…drops mic*

Consider yourself saved.

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There are two types of people in this world: Those who love and appreciate Danny McBride and the dumb people that inhabit this planet.  From The Foot Fist Way to Pineapple Express to Eastbound and Down, McBride has juggled the delicate comedic balance of cocky and smug with extreme vulnerability and heart. Most of his characters have a “F#ck you” exterior with a “Hold me” sensitive interior. His character in Your Highness stays par to the course.

Let’s be real. The critics aren’t going to like this movie. The current 25% Rotten Tomatoes fresh rating proves this point. They are going to call it lowbrow humor. They are going to tell you excessive use of the “F” word is unfunny and uncreative. They’ll say that the film fails on every level.  Do you want to listen to the dumb, deaf and blind? Or do you want to listen to your heart?

Critics are scared. Every review they write could shatter their credibility. They are also scared that their peers will look down upon them from their Windex’ed glasses with a wrinkled brow. A movie such as Your Highness is critic proof. Of course it’s going to get ripped on for being juvenile. But it would be impossible not to laugh, LOUDLY, quite a few times throughout the 1 hr. 43 minutes. That in itself is worth the price of admission.

With the world seemingly crumbling at our feet (See: Japan, North Africa, The Middle East, and the U.S. economy for proof), we need these type of comedies not only to laugh at the ridiculousness on the screen, but to laugh at ourselves. Where else are you going to get a Dark Crystal-esque, pedophilic, pot smoking puppet? Name another place that you can witness a fully aroused minotaur sizing up a helpless man? We need these laughs, these sights, to cure the evils of the world. Grab your neighbors hand and bring peace to the world. Go out and see Your Highness. Starring Academy Award winner Natalie Portman, Academy Award nominee James Franco, Danny McBride, and Zooey Deschanel, this film pulls out all the stops…for better or for worse.

The idea seems straight forward enough for a swords, shields, and sorcery flick. When Prince Fabious’s bride is kidnapped, he goes on a quest to rescue her… accompanied by his lazy useless brother Thadeous. Let’s just say – if you’re looking for another The Princess Bride, you might be appalled. Riffing off Conan the Barbarian, The Dark Crystal, Dragonslayer, and more classic fantasy flicks of the 70′s and 80′s, Your Highness has no qualms with the absurd direction each scene takes. Not all of the jokes work. But sometimes the failed attempt at humor is funny is itself. The fact that someone (McBride and Ben Best) actually wrote these demented words and actions, pitched it to a studio, and the studio greenlit it needs to be applauded. It wasn’t a hit at the box office over the weekend, but this one will have the cult following similar to UHF or the Police Academy franchise.. Kudos to Universal for continuing to have the balls to put films out there that blaze their own path. MacGruber, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and now Your Highness. All are Universal films that flopped, yet have their own continuous following. Yes, I said MacGruber.

I’ll be the first to admit, this film is not for everyone. But if you’re one of the good guys and appreciate the humor of Danny McBride, you will love it. It was obvious that everyone was having a great time making the film, which infects us as the audience throughout. I’ll take a film this radical and over-the-top over any run-of-the-mill flick any day of the week.

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I really wanted to like this one. It boasts a solid cast (Keira Knightly, Andrew Garfield, Carey Mulligan) and an interesting premise (Spoiler Free – An alternate history story of a woman who, as she reflects on her private school years in the English countryside, reunites with her two friends to face the dark secrets tied to their communal past. *Hint – there are elements of science fiction). But the melodrama starts pounding you in the head from the opening credits all the way to the end. I was a beaten man when this was complete. A beaten, beaten man.

Never Let Me Go centers around the idea that in 1952 there was a medical breakthrough that increased the average lifespan past 100 years old. Three students from Halisham, a privileged boarding school in England, are deeply affected by this as they learn they must donate their organs for transplants, and will die before they have any affect (OK, I gave you a bit here, but this is known 20 minutes in…it’s not The Sixth Sense).  The film was so slow and drawn out with hundreds of subtle gazes and looks of concern, I felt like I passed the 100 year marker by the end.

You will read positive reviews. Some claim that you’ll cry throughout the entire third act.  But I’m being real with you – AVOID this.

Andrew Garfield essentially plays a young Forrest Gump until the last part of the film. His character belongs in the back of a short yellow bus, yet I don’t think that was the goal of the performance.

Carey Mulligan can’t seem to stop smirking, as she does every second of her acting and real world life.

The Mulligan Perma-Smirk

Many people love Keira Knightly. For some reason, she completely annoys me. 1) She has the ugliest smile in Hollywood. It’s a combo of a fart to the face and bracing for a punch. 2) See #1

Say cheese!

I won’t post the trailer, since it pretty much spoils the entire movie. I want it to be fresh before you, too, are disappointed by an over dramatized failure. Maybe I’m being too harsh on this film. The cinematography was beautiful and worthy of a glance. But the film simply falls flat before we even get to the second act. This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you how great of a director Mark Romanek is. While his collection of work is bold and brilliant, this one simply didn’t fit the bill.

Watch at your own risk. Consider yourself saved. Boom!

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If you love sci-fi, you’ll be satisfied (although left with many head scratching questions). If you hate sci-fi, take the preposterous premise and throw it out the door. Once you get past the whole “source code” business, this is a satisfactory thriller with acting and directing that holds an OK script together. It’s thrilling, thought provoking, ridiculous at times – but always stays a half step in front of the audience. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Jeffrey Wright, and Vera Farmiga, this train ride is worth taking.

The idea of the film is simple: Groundhog Day meets Moon. A soldier gets to relive the same 8 minutes on a train over and over to find a bomb/bomber. But why? And how?

Official synopsis: An action thriller centered on a soldier who wakes up in the body of an unknown man and discovers he’s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train.

To say much more about this story would ruin the fun of it all. So I’ll stop with the explaining here. Try not to read too much. The fun is the peeling of layers.

The 2011 film slate has been extremely disappointing so far. Films that looked great from trailers/marketing turned into giant duds.  Source Code was a breath of fresh air, simply for the fact that it didn’t fall flat on its face. The story has its problems, specifically in the final act.  The script just doesn’t allow wiggle room for too many questions from its audience. If you really start questioning the logic of the actions throughout the film or  you attempt to break down the realism and science of the source code program, you’ll be stuck just shaking your head. Duncan Jones’ directing on a shoestring budget and the main four actors save any flaws this film presents.

Have fun with this one. As the Quad City DJ’s put it “Come on ride the train- Hey! Ride it woo woo!”

No need to run to the theater to catch this, but it would be an excellent rental or way to pass some time on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

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Zombie Nazi WWII Soldiers. Check.

Dragons. Check.

An awful, boring, hollow, tedious, overstuffed film. Check.

Zack Snyder’s latest, Sucker Punch, was a sucker punch to audiences across the country. Those hoping the director of 300, Watchmen, and the upcoming Superman would have something phenomenal up his sleeve will be stunned in a visual barrage of nothingness. After two hours of watching a film attempt and fail to tell a supposed “female empowerment story” (Zack Snyder’s words, not mine), I was left in my seat with utter disappointment.

The official synopsis is simple enough: A young girl is institutionalized by her abusive stepfather. Retreating to an alternative reality as a coping strategy, she envisions a plan which will help her escape from the mental facility. The actual film, uh, not even an ounce of real story.

Here’s the real deal (slight spoilers from the opening 15 minutes).  Mother dies. Her WILL hands everything to her daughters. Evil father is pissed (and evil). We know this because he sneers a bunch, adjusts his tie often to imply potential rape (seriously), and sweats profusely throughout the entire 5 minute slo-mo opening (Zack Snyder loves him some slo-mo).  Older daughter tries to shoot evil stepdad (because he’s evil), misses, kills sister. Apparently, this gives the evil stepdad a free pass to send her to the insane asylum. Inside the asylum, girl copes with her situation and pending lobotomy by imagining an alternate reality where she is essentially the newest member of a burlesque-ish brothel slave factory (seriously). This setup is one of the biggest head scratchers. An implied abused girl escapes her reality by being trapped in a brothel. OK. Let’s say you went with that. The Snydster gets a free pass. But here’s the kicker. She wants to escape this brothel. She hatches a masterplan of stealing a map, lighter, knife, and key (in that exact order). How can she and her female ass kicking team do it? With her seductive dance for the men that literally leaves them in a salivating trance. Duh. Visually, Zack Snyder is one of the best directors out there. He knows how to frame and light any and every shot. He’s a brilliant visionary. But I was this close (thumb and pointer about an inch apart) to walking out on this one.  Showgirls had better acting than this.

Let’s talk about the rating of the film. I counted three attempted rapes, at least 4 violent murders, and the overall sexual overtones throughout. But this film got a PG-13 rating. Apparently, if you don’t show actual blood or drop the F-bomb, all is well. Let’s not forget – The King’s Speech was R. And there was nothing to that over hyped film. If I had a kid on the cusp of watching PG-13 films, and had to watch a 20 year old girl dressed like a 12 year old gyrating to the sweaty men, I’d be pissed. The studio and Zack Snyder shot an R-rated film, but then wanted to sell it to the masses (this idea failed). In doing this, they bleeped a few scenes with cursing and seemingly cut entire scenes out.  Jon Hamm had a major role in the film, but barely had any screen time. His role made no sense except to deliver an epic line at the end that is so obvious, so expository, and so dumb — I was embarrassed for ole Don Draper.

If you can’t tell by now, I absolutely hated this film more than anything I’ve seen in years. There is a good reason Rotten Tomatoes has this movie at 21% (10% amongst the Top Critics). Maybe I expect more from Zack Snyder. But why should I? I guess all the pretty pictures have been blinding me. Don’t waste your money on this disaster. No matter how great and exciting the visuals look, this film was dead on arrival. The tagline on all of the posters and billboards had the ambiguous line “You Will Be Unprepared.” At least they got something right. No one can be prepared for how horrible this is.

Consider yourself saved.

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