Best of the Decade: Top 5 Movie Villains of The Oh’s
5. Alonzo Harris
What movie was he in? Training Day (2001)
What is his weapon of choice? LAPD Badge
The proof is in the scene: HERE
Why you don’t want to invite him over for Christmas dinner: You haven’t seen your nephew Billy for quite awhile and are thrilled that “Little Billy” and family will be at the house for Christmas. For some reason, Little Billy is really into playing with classic monster toys – Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula, King Kong… No idea what got him on this kick, but he has figurines of all of them. He’s a weird kid. Everyone is relaxing after dinner and Little Billy is playing “monsters” with Cousin Alonzo. Suddenly, Cousin Alonzo starts brewing. He sits on the couch, stands up, paces down the hallway. Something is obviously wrong with him. He is sweating profusely, patting his jacket pocket for the empty pack of cigarettes. You lift yourself from the food coma to handle the odd situation. But Alonzo’s not having it. He glares at Little Billy. Upper lip quivering, he gives a slow upward nod to him.
“What’s the problem, Zo?”
He looks right through you. A bead of sweat drops from his ear with a splash to the wood flooring.
Behind you, Little Billy smashes the King Kong toy against the plastic Dracula. SMASH! SMASH! Dracula’s head falls off.
Alonzo has seen enough. He violently shoves you aside and stands over sweet Little Billy.
“You think you can do this to me?! I play with you and this is how you treat me? Don’t f#%k with me, Billy.”
Billy triumphantly tosses headless Dracula to the side, embracing his King Kong toy.
“King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” Alonzo proclaims.
4. O-Ren Ishii
What movie was she in? Kill Bill Vol.1 (2003)
What is her weapon of choice? Samurai Sword
The proof is in the scene: HERE
Why you don’t want to invite her over for Christmas dinner: You’re super nervous. It’s the first time your family is going to meet your new girlfriend, O-Ren. You had no choice but to invite her, her entire family is back in Japan. Cautiously optimistic, you have the feeling the dinner will go off without a hitch.
You enter the house in your Banana Republic sweater vest; O-Ren wears a Christmas themed kimono filled with candy canes, Santa heads, and mistletoe. The grand entrance is met with warm smiles, loving hugs, and genuine approval. Except for Grandpa Ben. You know, racist WWII vet Grandpa Ben. Crap, forgot he was going to be here.
Over dinner, your Grandpa is very dismissive of your new girlfriend. He often has his war flashbacks and tonight is no exception. He acts like she’s an intruder and refuses to politely laugh at her jokes with the rest of the family, must to the ire of O-Ren.
“Your grandfather obviously has something on his mind,” O-Ren declares “By all means, let him express it.”
Grandpa Ben steams. Suddenly he smashes his eggnog against the table.
“I’m not sure why you are all laughing and celebrating with this perversion in the room.”
“What perversion do you speak of?” your girlfriend snaps back.
Grandpa Ben stares straight ahead at the 12 Days of Christmas painting.
“My father” he begins “…and his father, and EVERYONE in my family tree has always had a real Christmas tree. I look over in that room and see a fake Target tree. This is a PERVERSION of Christmas!”
The room starts heating up as you quickly fan yourself with a Santa napkin. Your parents are stunned at this sudden attack on their tree from a box. O-Ren is not having it. She jumps on the table and with the pitter patter of her size 2 feet sprints towards Grandpa Ben.
It’s safe to say the debate of the Christmas tree came to a head.
3. The Joker
What movie was he in? The Dark Knight (2008)
What is his weapon of choice? Pencil
The proof is in the scene: HERE
Why you don’t want to invite him over for Christmas dinner: Unless you want to be the laughingstock of the family, it’s better not to invite the cracked out, stringy hair, laughing hyena, caked on Halloween makeup, purple suited college roommate to the holiday festivities.
2. Anton Chigurh
What movie was he in? No Country For Old Men (2007)
What is his weapon of choice? Cattle Gun
The proof is in the scene: HERE
Why you don’t want to invite him over for Christmas dinner: Ring ring. Ring ring! You’re walking out of the grocery store when you hear the dreaded holiday bell. You know what bell I’m talking about. The Salvation Army bell.
Ring ring. Ring ring!
It’s the end of the year and you can’t honestly think of one charitable thing you’ve done all year. That’s when a light bulb pops above your head.
“I have something better than throwing a few coins in your bucket,” you yell to the Salvation Army man with the precise bowl cut.
“How about you have a warm meal at my place for Christmas and get out of this chilly weather.”
*Freeze: This spontaneous remark represents all that is wrong with you. Yes, it would be an amazing gesture to invite the man to dinner. But no, Salvation Army ring shakers are not the homeless.
The man nods to your careless gesture. The ring of the bell penetrates your eardrums as he drops the bell to pick up his cattle gun. This is the end of you.
1. Patrick Bateman
What movie was he in? American Psycho (2000)
What is his weapon of choice? Chainsaw and sometimes an axe
The proof is in the scene: HERE (Watch all 5 minutes to see Christian Bale at his absolute best)
Why you don’t want to invite them over for Christmas dinner: You feel bad for your co-worker who you now consider a good friend. He has no family. And it’s Christmastime. Over happy hour drinks, you think about inviting him over for Christmas dinner. But first he starts ranting about music, specifically Huey Lewis and the News. And then Phil Collins. Why do you care? What’s wrong with this guy? And then he lays this one on you–
“I have all the characteristics of a human being — blood, flesh, skin, hair — but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me, and I don’t know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.”
Good times.
great choices!