The Name That Shall Not Be Spoken
A year ago, I swore off the name of the director I most despised in Hollywood. I vowed never to watch another movie of his for the rest of time. The last time I mentioned him by name was HERE.
Well, the hack has a movie coming out this weekend. It’s called The Last Airbender. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s ridiculousness has been spewed all over my television and computer for the past few weeks.
The reviews are poring out. And it looks like everyone is starting to understand my hate for this director. He once was annoited the next Spielberg…I’ve annointed him King of my Toilet Bowl. I am absolutely loving this hate towards his inability to direct anything.
Currently, The Last Airbender has 10% on Rotten Tomatoes. After the jump are some brilliant quotes from respected film critics. Continue reading “The Name That Shall Not Be Spoken” »
Michael Bay Must Read Film Savior
As horrible as Transformers 2 was, you knew there was going to be a third installment…in 3D. That’s just how things work. You get suckered out of your hard earned money, get bent over by another Hollywood blockbuster, and you come crawling back begging for more.
Oh, but this time Michael Bay has a gameplan. He claims, “One thing we’re getting rid of is what I call the dorky comedy.” First of all, anyone who calls something “dorky comedy” has no capability of knowing a damn thing about comedy in general. But the most revealing, is Bay’s revelation that the racist robots Mudflaps and Skids (yes, that was their name) will not be making an appearance in Transformers 3. Does he finally realize how 1930 that comedy bit was? After seeing Transformers 2, I was inspired to write a poetic review . Part of my review was dedicated to the racist robots:
Black Robots
Robot with gold tooth, standing with a grin.
Speaking jive, bumping fists, everything but eating chicken.
It was shocking he could not read or that he only spoke in slang.
Was this OK’d by execs in ’09? I’m just sayin’… dang.
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I’m not sure what saddens me worse: The fact that I won’t be able to rip apart all things Michael Bay comedy anymore or that they are actually going to continue taking turds on my Transformers. I wish they would have stopped at the amazing first installment.
The Social Network Teaser
The Social Network.
I’ve read the book. And I’ve read the script.
I know that this is going to be one of the best films of the year.
When you are ready, I’ll give you more info. But you’re not ready yet. It might blow your mind. You can’t handle what’s in store for you.
The teaser here is going to play before Inception.
It gives you nothing. Yet, gives you so much.
David Fincher. Aaron Sorkin. Jesse Eisenberg. Justin Timberlake. Andrew Garfield.
The poster art below is perfect.
One of my most anticipated of the year.
Boom.
Trailer: The Green Hornet
The first trailer to Michel Gondry’s, The Green Hornet, has been released. Fanboys have been eagerly awaiting the films arrival. The masses have tried to get a glimpse of Seth Rogen in character on set. Comic-Con went Green Hornet crazy last year.
Boy does it look bad. Bad as in atrocious. Bad as in horrendous.
Early whisperings around the film made it sound like a potential dud. The studios were worried. The geeks were scared. What would happen to their beloved Green Hornet? The only thing that gave this a glimmer of hope was director Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Be Kind Rewind). It was guaranteed to be a completely different take on the genre. If this trailer represents anything from the heart of the film, color me uninterested.
It was originally set for a prime June release. Then it was pushed to December of ’10. Coincidentally (ahem), it needed to be converted to 3D (as always) so it was moved to the graveyard Hollywood likes to call “January.” January is the month where studios release films they have no confidence in. It’s a fact. So there you go.
I’m well aware that I’m judging a book by it’s cover. But if a book has a pile of turd on it, I’m not even gonna open it.
There are only two potential glimmers of hope in this: The fantastic Christoph Waltz and Gondry. Maybe Waltz should have been in all 2 minutes of the trailer instead of 2 seconds. Just sayin’.
The Reason I Started Film Savior
Stepping on my pedestal.
You may or may not have noticed, but a few months ago, theaters raised their prices on movie tickets in response to the demand for 3D films. Do you think it’s a coincidence that everything released under the sun is “An IMAX Experience” or “In 3D”? The studios that be were scared for a brief moment. We were buying up those big flat screen TV’s. Blu-Ray players gave that crystal clear picture. And movie rentals were in our mailbox within months of release. All was good. And then came Avatar…the game changer.
Be careful what you wish for. Avatar changed the face of the Hollywood game. It made so much money so quickly, everyone was scrambling to convert their tentpole films into 3D. You see, 3D means you can charge more money. IMAX 3D means even more money. Several theaters in New York have hit the $20 mark for an adult IMAX 3D ticket.
$20 dollars! For one ticket to a movie!
Let’s put things into perspective. What demographic are most of the IMAX 3D films targeting? Kids. Alice in Wonderland, Shrek, Toy Story, Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, etc. These are all family films that families see together. A family of four can easily spend upwards of $100 to purchase tickets and buy popcorn and soda for the kids. Hollywood is out of touch with their recent cash grab. And I don’t see this having a happy ending for anyone.
Right now, Hollywood is scared. Originality and creativity means risk. And the business of Hollywood no longer wants (or can afford) to take risks. That’s why we have all the board game films coming. That’s why every comic book is being greenlit. If you look around whatever room you’re in, chances are, Hollywood is making a film about something in there. Brand recognition is all they care about right now. Spend $60 million on a film budget. Shelve out another $20 million in marketing. The cows will graze into the theater opening weekend. At least that’s what they are betting on. There’s a reason people are downloading movies without a care in the world. I strongly disagree with bootleggers, but I understand it. Not everyone can afford to spend ridiculous amount of money on a 90 minute film. Movies SHOULD NEVER be more expensive than the masses can afford. Continue reading “The Reason I Started Film Savior” »
Teaser Trailer: The Smurfs
I remember waking up every Saturday morning excited to watch my favorite cartoon, The Smurfs. The opening credits HERE gave me a giddy feeling that could never be replicated once I crossed into the darkside of adulthood. It is imagination, innocence, and fun all rolled into 50 seconds.
Honestly, I’m really sorry about doing this. But it has to be done. Here is the teaser trailer for the CGI/Live Action Smurfs Movie. Even with a teaser showing very little footage, it is clear that my beloved Smurfs have been raped and pillaged by the Gargamel of Hollywood.
The basic (ridiculous) plot according to USA Today:
Until now, the Smurfs have existed only in the Middle Ages among knights, kings and wizards, such as their nemesis Gargamel (played by Hank Azaria) and his cat Azrael.
During the opening scene, set in that original time, Gargamel discovers the Smurfs’ magical village and scatters them into the woods. “Unfortunately, Clumsy goes the wrong way into a forbidden grotto where a few other Smurfs follow,” says director Raja Gosnell . “Because it’s a blue moon, there’s a magical portal that transports them to Central Park.”
Shoot me now.
Sofia Coppola’s “Somewhere” Trailer
Let’s be real — Sofia Coppola is one of the best working directors on the scene. The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation, shoot, even the flawed Marie Antoinette were visually stunning cinematic poetry. Coppola’s lyrical eye mise-en-scène and ear for great music keeps her above the rest. I’ve been waiting patiently on anything related to her new film, Somewhere, for quite some time. Finally, Focus Features has released the first trailer to this highly anticipated, yet rarely known new film. The official synopsis:
Johnny Marco is a bad-boy A-list actor stumbling through a life of excess while living at Chateau Marmont Hotel. Cocooned in this artificial world, Johnny has lost all sense of his true self. Until, that is, his 11-year-old daughter Cleo shows up and begins to anchor him. Johnny’s fragile connection to real life slowly revives in her presence. So when the time comes for Cleo to leave, his sense of loss is palpable, but the gift of hope she has also brought him leads to a beautiful denouement.
Watching this trailer, you’ll get an overwhelming sense that this is a sequel to Lost in Translation. The overbearing loneliness is there. The “anchor” is there. The sense of loss runs throughout. Coppola still can’t get rid of her obsession with the privileged (Boo Hoo – I’m rich and lonely), but I’ll let it pass.
Fun facts:
-At the 1:20 mark, you’ll see Chris “Party Boy” Pontius of Jackass fame.
-The second song in the trailer is a stripped down demo by The Strokes “I’ll Try Anything Once.” Check out the full song HERE.
-Thomas Mars, frontman of the insanely sick band Phoenix, is the boyfriend and father of two of Coppola’s children. Not surprisingly, Phoenix is supplying a ton of music for the film.
- Yes, that’s really Stephen Dorff starring in a real movie…and yes, that’s Dakota’s younger sister.
- This will have multiple Academy Award nominations. You heard it here first.
The A-Team Movie Non-Review
How can one even attempt to review a movie like The A-Team?
a) It’s based off an 80′s live TV show that was essentially a cartoon.
b) Never for one second does it attempt to be anything else but dumb summertime fun.
c) Mr. T and Rampage Jackson played B.A. Baracus…can you really review anything with these two as main actors?
“Fire everything!” exclaimed Hannibal aka Liam Neeson. And so they did. Wow. There is no simple way to explain what I saw on the screen. Besides lots of shaky cam and disregard to a plausible plotline, I’m almost embarrassed to say that I really enjoyed this movie due to the dumb fun it was. The number one culprit of the straight dumb summer fun were the ridiculous stunts (which of course made zero sense). Last week I showcased a snippet of THIS absurd scene from the film. After witnessing it in full context, it is even more batshit crazy. In what logical sense would a writer script the following scene:
An airplane flown by the A-Team gets blasted out of the sky. That airplane happened to have a tank in it. The entire A-Team just happens to get into the tank as the airplane gets shot (let me remind you, they were FLYING the plane). The infamous tank just happens to have just the right amount of parachutes on it to slow down the freefall, you know, in case it ever needed to fly. And then the one liners come flying. The “best” one comes from Bradley “Face” Cooper “Hey Boss, it’s a little stuffy. I’m gonna pop a window.” And so he does. And the cackler shoots planes out of the sky with the tank flying through the air.
Of course, this isn’t ridiculous enough.
To slow down their free fall, they strategically face the barrel of the tanks gun towards the ground. Each shot slows down their momentum. When they get closer…”Fire everything.”
If you can watch/read this and smiled, then The A-Team is for you.
There really is nothing more I need to say. I can explain to you how perfect Sharlto Copley (District 9) was as the mentally unstable Murdock. I can tell you how ready-made Bradley Cooper is for the role of the womanizing Face. I can beg you to understand how perfect Liam Neeson is in practically everything (except Star Wars). But there’s no reason. You’re either in or you’re out. Sure, there’s no plot. Pike…plates…revenge…wrongfully accused…whatever.
The A-Team. Asinine. Ambitious. Awesome. Ambiguous. Awestruck. Ample. Autrageous. Autterly Ridiculous.
The Worst Trailer in Years: Gulliver’s Travels 2010
Want a quick lesson on how NOT to make a trailer?
1) Don’t spend 75% of your allotted 2 1/2 minutes with the set up. Get to the damn point.
2) If your CGI sucks, try not to show too much of it. Actually, don’t show it at all.
3) Rehashing lame jokes/old references grows tiresome. The first 20 seconds of this is proof.
4) If you have good actors (Jason Segel/Emily Blunt), do yourself a favor and actually show them in your full length trailer. Call me crazy, but this might actually get people into the theater opening weekend.
5) If your tagline is “Black is the new Big”, well, I have a bigger idea. Take every piece of celluloid shot for this movie. Place it in a locked room with everyone involved with creating this trailer. Set it on fire.
The idea of this remake of Jonathan Swift’s “Gulliver’s Travels” in 2010 actually intrigued me. I’ve also been high on crack for the past 3 years. This is the 12th time a film or television adaptation has been made of this classic novel. And it looks absolutely horrible. Bad jokes. Bad CGI. Disjointed trailer. If the board game to movie craze didn’t sway you. If the 80′s reboot fetish didn’t make you believe. THIS HAS to finally help you understand: Hollywood is officially out of new ideas. This trainwreck has a 12/22 release date. That release date means the studio has full belief that this will be the breakout family film during the Holiday season. I’m afraid to know what films didn’t make the cut for the big Christmas release.
Please know – this trailer is so bad, it must be seen to believe. Keep it in context: Big Christmas movie…3D release…Jack Black.
If you think differently, let me know your thoughts. I’ll then have you shipped straight to Shutter Island.
Consider yourself saved — 6 months early.
Release Date: December 22nd, 2010
Running on Empty – LA Without Cars
This might not be Hollywood film related, but it’s awesome nonetheless. Living in the Los Angeles area, you are forced to live and breathe traffic. Young, old, poor, rich — traffic will effect you in some way or another. Film grad Ross Ching created this short film (2 mins) about Los Angeles without cars. He touches upon all parts of L.A. from the great Loyola Marymount University to Century City all the way to downtown and beyond. I drive past that Sex and the City “billboard” everyday — I just wish the 405 was this empty. Radiohead’s “No Surprises” is a great touch.
I live in Los Angeles. I drive in Los Angeles. I think about traffic a lot in Los Angeles. A few months ago, I discovered Matt Logue’s Empty LA photographs. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but every time I was stuck in rush hour all-hour traffic, I found myself thinking, “What if tomorrow everyone’s car disappeared.” What would that scene look like? How would people react? How quickly would the atmosphere rebound from centuries of fossil fuel emissions? So I took Matt Logue’s still photography concept and applied it to something that I do best — time lapse. I built a story around the idea of us being shackled to this ball and chain; this love-hate relationship with whom we spend so much time with here in LA.
Check out his website to see how he did it. Enjoy.