Don’t Worry, It Won’t Happen to You
Raise your hand if you’re excited for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland in 3-D. OK, all of your hands are raised.
Now, raise your hand if you’re excited to get herpes of the eyeball after your Alice experience.
Good times. Good times, indeed.
According to the AP: The health ministry said Thursday it had confiscated about 7,000 sets of 3D glasses from Italian cinemas and could collect more of them. Officials said the glasses pose hygiene problems if they are not properly cleaned between screenings, and that the confiscated glasses did not display tags proving they would not cause short-term vision problems to users.
Granted, this report came from Italian movie theaters, but have you checked the cleanliness of your local movie theater? Not just the 3D glasses – I’m talking about the seats you sit in, the armrests you lean upon, and the cup holder menacing your cup.
A ticket to see Alice In Wonderland 3-D – $15
Popcorn, large diet coke, and licorice – $12
The inevitable puss that slithers out of your eye hours after the film – PRICELESS
Enjoy!
National Jonze Day – Next Week!
So you didn’t take my advice and see Where The Wild Things Are on IMAX? Yeah, I get it, why would you pay money to see a kids movie? You’re an adult. A big bad adult. Too mature for childish things. Too cool for school. Don’t worry, dummies. The DVD/Blu-Ray is releasing March 2nd. You’ll have another chance to see this under appreciated piece of art that will grow in cult status over time. I truly believe this should have been one of the 10 Best Picture Nominees. It’s definitely more deserving than The Blind Side. You can thank me later. And I fully expect to be thanked. Embrace your inner child…you’ll be a better person for it.
The DVD is said to have a ton of behind the scenes footage and interviews. It also boasts the animated short based on another Sendak story, “Higglety Pigglety Pop! Or There Must Be More to Life” featuring the voices of Meryl Streep and forest Whitaker. Spike Jonze produced the short directed by Chris Lavis and Maciek Szczerbowski.
The Higglet Pigglety Pop premise:
Once Jennie had everything. She had two bowls to eat from, two pillows, and for cold weather, a red wool sweater. She even had a master who loved her. But Jennie didn’t care. In the middle of the night she packed everything she had in a black leather bag with gold buckles and looked out of her favorite window for the last time… Higglety Pigglety Pop! or There Must Be More to Life follows Jennie’s surreal, suspenseful and unexpectedly moving journey to gain new experiences and realize her dream of becoming the star of the World Mother Goose Theatre.
And that’s not all. If you’re a Spike Jonze fan, the month of March will be a treat for you. Continue reading “National Jonze Day – Next Week!” »
Tarantino & Cameron Agree with Film Savior – Board Game Movies SUCK
Another day, another toy/video game adaptation. As long as they keep making these embarrassing announcements, I’m going to keep trashing them. But now I have two heavy hitters on my side: Quentin Tarantino and James Cameron.
Do you remember the game Missile Command? Some genius in a corner office at Fox Studios does and thinks it would be a nifty idea for a movie.
(A dramatic pause to slowly shake my head in disgust)
As I read this unsurprising news, I stumbled upon a fantastic roundtable discussion over at 24 Frames (Los Angeles Times). During the course of the awards season, Quentin Tarantino, James Cameron, Kathryn Bigelow, Lee Daniels, and Jason Reitman got together and discussed various topics about their films, their craft, and Hollywood in general. One interesting discussion (dominated by QT and James Cameron, of course) was about how Hollywood has gone head deep in their ass into remaking, rebooting, or adapting known commercial brands. I’m 100% in agreement with Cameron’s biting assessment. These films simply are not necessary. Watch the embedded video to see Cameron in all of his eloquence and pay attention to his first remark. Although the man knows what he’s talking about, let’s not forget his first film as a director was Piranha 2: The Spawning.
If you haven’t had the chance to watch this series over at LAT, I highly recommend it. Ridley Scott (Monopoly) and Peter Berg (Battleship) — they’re calling you out!
Erector Set: THE MOVIE!
I just love all of these toy to movie announcements. Each one just gets worse. The most creative minds in Hollywood couldn’t satirize the reality of what’s happening in Hollywood. These ideas are so absurdly wrong, so nonsensical, it’s simply hilarious. The magical gnome that gives the Hollywood green light must be permanently drunk.
First of all, check out this fantastic scene on the front of this original Erector Set.
“Come Daddy! See what we’ve built.”
“Why, Son 1 and Son 2…it looks like you’ve built an entire city! With Erector Sets. Now back to my scotch.”
Erector Set: The Movie. Sigh. Let’s quickly remind you of the other game/toy brand announcements – Stretch Armstrong (starring Taylor Lautner), Candyland, Monopoly (directed by Ridley Scott) , Battleship (directed by Peter Berg), Asteroids, and Viewmaster.
Here is the Erector Story:
“Helix Films, an independent production company, announced today that they have formed an exclusive partnership with Meccano Toy Company to develop an original 3D feature film based upon the iconic Erector Set brand of children’s construction toys. The deal represents the first time Meccano has licensed film rights to their toys..while details of the story are being kept under wraps, the film will be a family fantasy/adventure…the very core of Meccano/Erector is about creating educational toys that enable children and adults to imagine and create completely new worlds,” said Michael Ingberg, CEO of Meccano Toy Company. “It’s perfect for a film franchise as it is certain to entertain but also stimulate creativity and imagination as the Erector toy system has done around the world for nearly a hundred years.”
You just can’t make this stuff up. A 3-D Erector Set film. You know, to stimulate creativity and imagination for young kids around the world. File this under “Nonsense.”
Now back to my scotch.
“Get Him To The Greek” Trailer
Forgetting Sarah Marshall really took me by surprise. I went into it thinking it was going to be another run of the mill comedy, but it ended up being a penis wagging good time. Per usual, with all good films comes a sub-par sequel. Luckily, the upcoming Get Him To The Greek is more spin-off than sequel. We’re not going to get Forgot Sarah Marshall or Forgetting Sarah Marshall Again. Instead, the spin-off focuses on the scene stealing rock star character Aldous Snow (Russell Brand). The film reunites Sarah Marshall director Nicholas Stoller with Jonah Hill and Brand.
In “Marshall,’”the Zen-like Snow is on the wagon. In Get Him To The Greek, he’s fallen off hard. The film centers on a record company assistant (Hill) tasked by his boss (P. Diddy) to drag the uncooperative (and wasted) rock legend (Brand) to Hollywood for a comeback concert and has a mere three days to do so.
I’m aware that the appearance of Mr. Diddy is a turnoff to most (including myself). I’m also aware of the how predictable and unfunny this could potentially be. But with a few small laughs in this trailer and its surprising predecessor, there’s hope to be had.
Who isn’t hoping Jonah Hill becomes the breakout star he was destined to be?
Tarantino the Minimalist
Not sure if you’ve figured it out yet, but I love all most things Tarantino. He’s one of the most creative writer/directors in Hollywood right now, even though all of his films are tributes to his favorite films of the past. He was a bit misguided with his attempt at Grindhouse, but made up for it tenfold with Inglorious Basterds.
I recently stumbled upon a Tarantino gem for all fans of his work. During the mid-to late nineties, you couldn’t walk into a dorm room without seeing character posters from Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction. Many years later, artist Ibraheem Youssef has created minimalist poster art for all of QT’s films. My favorite is the Kill Bill Vol. 1 poster which portrays The Bride vs. The Crazy 88′s in a minimal spot fashion. See all of them below. Enjoy!
Continue reading “Tarantino the Minimalist” »
My Hate For “The Blind Side”
Not sure if you’ve noticed, but we are in the purgatory stage of the film release schedule. All of the Academy Award nominees have been released, you’ve seen Avatar three times already, and you almost got suckered into seeing The Tooth Fairy. If you’re desperate to see a movie, now is a good time to catch up on rentals or see those “critically acclaimed” movies that you never had the chance to see. I made the latter choice and have regretted it ever since.
Almost everyone I know told me how great The Blind Side was. Some of you might be reading this post right now. I hate you all. But not as much as I hate The Blind Side. Some might say hate is a harsh word to use. I actually don’t think it’s strong enough. I simply cannot understand the love for this film (70% on Rotten Tomatoes, 2 Academy Award Nominations, positive word of mouth). It’s a clichéd, poorly written, nauseating, waste of time film that managed to ruin a great true story. This film was truly meant for an after school special. I literally got goose bumps from the scene in the below picture. Unrealistic, cheesy, and poorly acted — I felt as embarrassed as that kid who pissed his pants in your 2nd grade class.
As I often do with films I despise, I’m putting zero effort into this review. Below is my poetic ode to this horrendous head scratching Best Picture Nominee.
An Ode to The Blind Side
Blind Side, Oh Blind Side.
You stuck it in my backside.
Two tickets — twenty bucks; Two drinks — ten more.
I’d pay an extra hundred to forget I walked thru the door.
Movie Michael Oher mumbles a few words; he’s a black Forrest Gump.
Real Michael Oher speaks clear and thoughtful words; he’s not that movie chump.
Sandra Bullock was good, I’m just not jumping from my seat.
Poor writing was the culprit, those men should be beat.
Blind Side, Oh Blind Side.
I hate you.
Misguided Academy Award Nominations Are In
What a terrible year to expand the Best Picture nominees from 5 to 10. The F’ing Blind Side is nominated for Best Picture. Are they now nominating films simply because they were sleeper hits? As great as it is to see a film such as District-9 recognized for the fun sci-fi flick that it was– Best Picture Nominee?! C’mon now. I still need to see An Education, but for some reason dread the thought of it. Below is the list of all of the nominees with my quick take on each category. As the Academy Awards get closer, look for my Oscar Pool LOCKS that will win you money and this website praise. You will win your office pool with my guarantee of 90% correct picks. And the world will rejoice.
Full List of Nominees:
Continue reading “Misguided Academy Award Nominations Are In” »
A Quick Detour into Television
There has been something eating away at me for quite some time. It’s a dark secret that I’ve tried to keep under wraps, but can hardly contain. You see, I’m a happily married man. I’ve been in love with the same beautiful woman for 10+ years (3 1/2 of those in marriage bliss).
But I need to come clean. I haven’t been entirely faithful.
Ever since 2004, I’ve been lost in love. It all started with that dreaded Oceanic Flight 815. Kate, Jack, Sawyer…at first it was just infatuation. I gave subtle glances from my couch, but really wasn’t anything serious. Then Ben came along. Then Richard. And Juliet. Mr. Eko. And I was head over heels in love.
I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell my wife? Should I stop my 9pm rendezvous right away? I thought it was a one time thing. But those times at the hatch. Oh, those times at the hatch. And Widmore’s boat. I’ll never forget that moment.
There have been many times that I swore the relationship off forever. It became too much about filling time instead of answering my many questions. But each time I tried to end things, I’d get swept back off my feet.
Last year, the relationship was in a state of confusion. I never knew where it stood or where it was going. I knew it would be easier to simply stop asking questions and just go for the ride. But after all this time, I felt I deserved some clarity.
Starting tonight, at 9pm, I’m going to take the first steps to end this relationship forever. It’s the beginning of the end. And I cannot wait.
